GRIEF

26/07/2022

Rufaro - Say what you said.

Leon - If you was the first born you would have killed us with the way you is greedy aaiiggght

thank fuck I come out first Damn. Mmmhhhhh

R -That’s not true, That’s not true, Everyone knows I kept, Nah that’s not true. Who takes care of you now?

L - No, if you had come out first me and Bernie wouldn’t be here……

Hmmmm hmmmm.

R -That’s not true that’s not true

R -The weak will perish

L - I haven’t even touched the food wakundi scratcher

R -I could tell you was looking

R -I could tell by the look in your eye

L- Bells yeah, bells yeah your aunt yeah

R - The way you were looking at the food I could tell you wanted to eat it, so I shut it down.

It aint your portion it aint your portion.

That is the last meaningful conversation I had with my brother!

27/12/2022

I glanced at my phone, and I had missed a call from Shamu (Bernie). I’ll call him later I thought and started practising my speech to say no to whatever his request was. I was interrupted again by a message for me to call him. He informs me that our big brother Leon has been in an accident. My mind betrayed me and unlocked the dark side of my heart. It had been a month of sacrifice, resulting in an empty purse with nothing to show for it. A vacation away from my beloved parasites was the only agenda that mattered. I unravelled like a loose string at the hem of a dress. How selfish of him to get into an accident. I don’t want to go to the hospital.  He is the human Superman; rubber bullets bounce off him. He could survive a head collision with Optimus Prime. I couldn’t help but contemplate if it was a big deal. What if I didn’t go to the hospital now and just went tomorrow? I can do that, right? What will be the backlash I face? I paced back and forth searching for meaningless tasks to complete. The promises I had made myself formed a choir and sang in harmony in my head. Could selfishness become me? A failed attempt to change my genetic coding. My soul made an argument for selfishness and my heart simulated the guilt I would experience. My spirit humbled me and showed me the path to peace. I put on the Armour of God and activated my superpower, and I was ready for war. Although I never truly believed it was a war, more of a battle that had been overhyped. When the angels and demons would take their seats, it would be a disappointing match where God would win, as always. I called Shamu, my kin, my brother, my twin.

Once we arrived at the hospital, we found ourselves in a dark blue room with plain leather sofas. They resuscitated him on the scene. That was the first piece of information I learnt. My first punch to the gut. What I would have given at that moment to transform into Kimbo Slice. The poison of doubt had entered my mind and I was transported to the painful experience of losing my maternal matriarch.

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. Mark 11:24

A sealed covenant I thought I had with God broken into the finest pieces of sand, which I drank. The sand felt glued in my throat and a drought fell on the earth. I couldn’t produce enough saliva to save myself. I attempted to drink my tears, but they dried right at the tip of my mouth. Torture in all its glory. It wasn’t my time. This torture was to be lived through. The grains linger on my throat, and I taste them from time to time. I couldn’t survive another serving. He is in a coma! A kick to the chest! The brain fractures were too many to operate. It was a matter for God the ultimate healer. Bernie (Shamu), my mummy and I sojourned to see what I now would call Leon’s kryptonite. Thoughts of losing him for good crept in. He would be happy that he died whilst on the road. He could drive to Scotland without a map and get you to your exact location. I am joyous when I remember him driving me around the country for basketball practices. But what I cherished most were the times I spent with him in the car whilst he evaded the police. Let me set the scene. Nineteen-year-old me, naïve and clueless driving with my big brother our very own Lewis Hamilton. Suddenly, I am in a fast and furious scene, and he is hitting corners at great speeds. He turns into a private car park and drifts into a spot. Turns off the engine.

R - What was that?

L - The Police were behind us.

It wasn’t always the exciting ones that were my favourite, the subtle ones. As he is driving me back to university, he takes an unexpected turn. I never liked to question him because he always knew best when it came to these things. He parks the car, gets out walks to a house, knocks on the door and embraces someone and walks in. Five minutes later he returns to the car, cool, calm and collected. My eyes almost popped out of their sockets as I stare at him

L- The popo was following us.

How did he always know?

Handsome as ever with a few minor tweaks. Red raw blood flowing from his ears. A thick white tube disappeared into his throat. His spirit is present and strong. Short breaths. He struggled to breathe. Stab into my uterus. In shock, my organs exploded. Pieces of sand turned into raw pieces of cut ice. Involuntarily swallowing them, begging for some fine sand to soothe it. The earth was flooded, and the water sunk into the ice cuts, aggravating, and entering my veins. My blood took to it like oxygen and delivered it to every part of my insides. Yet again a torture to be lived through. I glanced at my kins; their eyes peeled to the floor. My mother held her arms together. Shamu hands in his pockets walked out.

R- How is it looking Doc.

Doctor - No one can recover from that type of injury. This is devastating brain trauma.

As we journeyed home silence roared and sang its most penetrating song, and we enjoyed the performance. The crowd cheered but we couldn’t hear them.

21/12/22

Leon shared the difficult reality that he felt God hated him. I shared my testimony of God’s glory in my life, and it led him to commit himself to God.

R -Are you sure, don’t do this for me L- Let’s do it,

I held his hand and asked him to repeat after me the salvation prayer.

Lord Jesus, I confess my sins and ask for your forgiveness. Please come into my heart as my Lord and Saviour. Take complete control of my life and help me to walk in Your footsteps daily by the power of the Holy Spirit. Thank you, Lord, for saving me and for answering my prayer.

I experienced a peace that surpasses understanding after the death of Leon. Surrounded by whaling, fists of anger, and crippling heartbreak. I slept peacefully and dreamt wonderful dreams of him. A short few knew that he had given his life. I was 100% sure that he was in heaven with my grandma. Why did I seem okay?  I was glowing; I had the spirit of God in me. I held every family member as they cried, and I prayed for them. Peace is not the absence of war but the presence of God.

Everyone – I want what you have. R – Just lean on God

06/02/2023

Two days before I buried him, the peace of God began to slip away. I finally laid eyes on him again five weeks later. Naively touched him and I was sent into a cold shock, producing sounds that could only be understood by dogs. My heart burning as bright as the north star, yet I remained frozen. The machines in the hospital told us a wonderful lie that kept us hopeful. I prayed for comfort.

Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4

I reached home. My mum shares her dream of Leon with his grandmother (her mum). I shared my experience of seeing him. His hair needed doing but I knew I couldn’t survive that cold. Then Ashley tells us Leon has appeared in a reading and shares this voice note.

Hey babe it’s me. just wanted to call you and explain but I voice note it to you instead. I just had a really lovely reading with this woman in Rayleigh. She is really really sweet and umm. Yeah, Leon came through. It was Leon you know when you are just like. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a spiritual experience like it. But it was like she embodied the way he would hold himself, like the way he would talk, like his giggly like AAHHH like that, it was just so cute but ummm yeah I just wanted you to know he said he is with his grandmother. He is very happy with his grandmother. He is so, he described you down to a t. She was like I’m so proud of her and I just want to say thank you for giving me the best send-off possible. Like she’s organised everything, she’s done everything, she done that for me. she done that for me. It’s just the way she said it. It was so sweet. He is just so overwhelmed by the love that you’ve put into everything for him and the fact that everyone’s come together and everyone's gonna be celebrating and he is just really happy. She also said that he died actually, the impact of the way he was hit was like chest and ribs. And he just went even though he was in the coma and everything he was gone. He was actually gone like and he just wants the right people to know that he actually wasn’t in any pain whatsoever. Like he was gone. He also spoke about the fact that he was at the lowest point in his life. I don’t think many people knew because he didn’t open up `about it but he was really depressed. And he doesn’t want anyone to feel guilty about the fact that he was depressed. But he was in a really shitty place in his life and he didn’t see a way of coming back from it so ummm yeah. For him he knew that was his time, he knew like that’s my time to go and he also said can you make sure his hair is alright. Can you make sure the right person knows to make his hair look good. He just wanted to say thank you. I 100% believe hand on my heart that, that was our Leon.

R - Is he talking about me Ashley -Nods her head.

R -Mum remember in the hospital I told you. God has given him a choice to come back or stay and remember what you said.

Mum – No

R  – You said I know it’s my mum asking you to stay don’t listen to her.

S   – He saw his grandma forgot about us.

R – to be fair if I saw her I wouldn’t come back to you lot either.

I was comforted and had the strength to carry on.

There shall not be found among you anyone who burns his son or his daughter as an offering, anyone who practices divination or tells fortunes or interprets omens, or a sorcerer or a charmer or a medium or a necromancer or one who inquires of the dead, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord. And because of these abominations, the Lord your God is driving them out before you. Deuteronomy 18: 10-12

28/12/2022

Cover to cover I had conversed with God through his master prose poem. A love letter to humanity. The God of Israel, The God of Jacob, The God of Abraham, The God of Isaac, and The God of Rufaro, was known to answer bold prayers.

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits. Proverbs 18:21.

I would only produce ripe fruit. Ready for my miracle. I danced with God. I cannot wait for them to see my God is real. I pondered over the story of Hezekiah who had been told by the prophet Samuel to prepare his house because he was going to surely die. Pleaded boldly with God and his cry was heard and He generously added fifteen more years to his life. God’s mind could be changed! I was transported into the spiritual realm and shouted Abba Abba Father. God had bestowed me with a prophetic gift and the ability to speak in tongues. A language that cannot be intercepted by the devil. l dwelled in the spiritual world, not once ceasing in prayer.

When I shared with them how depressed and unhappy, he was they couldn’t handle it.  I worried that the news that God had shown me this unfortunate event before its occurrence would burst their ear drums. I had dreamt of the accident! Dreams are tricksters but when it’s a message from God they are clear. In my sleep, I witnessed an accident, however, the injured party was Shamu and not Leon. It was Leon in Shamu’s body and when the accident had subsided Shamu disappeared, and I begged for him to come back and when he returned, he was Leon but it’s like he wasn’t there. He was ghostly. That morning I called his nurse and he said to me Bernard is the same, he is starting to breathe on his own. That’s when I corrected them and told them they had identified him wrong. A slash through my body. They have the same initials B M. Bernard Bongani Mboneli, Bekitemba Leon Mboneli. They searched for B. Mboneli and selected the wrong one.

I hadn’t interceded in prayer. Is it my fault? The painful penetrating truth about prayer is that God only has three answers, yes, no, and not yet. I couldn’t decipher whether I was getting a no or a not yet.

29/12/2022

The calvary had been called, the experts. He is brain-dead. My head dismembered. The only thing keeping him alive is the machine. My heart ripped out.  Two doctors will carry out tests to prove this. If the results are conclusive, we will mark that as the official time of death. I locked eyes with her and started praying in tongues and singing to the Lord. My mother whaled.  Shamu wasn’t there. That morning he had come to me.

S-I don’t like hospitals.

R-You don’t have to come today. I hugged him.

The shoulders of a giant attached to a 5”2 frame always led. When our uncle died, Shamu and Leon fled from the nest, and I absorbed my mother’s pain. My grandma died and it was groundhogs’ day. We were made from different materials, mine most distinctive. Genetic code is carefully curated. Encoded is my father’s authority, protective nature, and stubbornness. My mother’s strength, kindness, and accepting nature. Bernard’s ability to read people's true intentions, his boldness in his beliefs, and his love for food. Leon's diplomacy and his dance ability, his people skills. Absent was his humility, patience, talent and obedience. Leon was all mum, Shamu was all dad, and I was all four.

My mother and I chose to attend the private showing of the doctor’s testing to prove he was gone. At this point, I had switched tactics and spoke over him the miracle of Lazarus. All questions were directed at me. With a motherly instinct, I created a shield. Mother and daughter swapping roles. Mother nature’s cycle. We glared as they stuck sticks down his throat to make him gag without a response. I continued speaking life into him. They opened his eyes, and they were soulless. I commanded him to come out as Jesus did with Lazarus. It was no longer a fight to extend his life but a fight to get him back. He was with his maker.  Overflowing with blind faith accompanied by reckless optimism. This outcome would be favourable I told myself.

Conclusive! Brain dead! Machines will be turned off! Can we have his organs? Yes. Lungs – Yes

Heart – Yes Liver – Yes

Kidney – Yes.

Skin – Yes.

Bones – Yes.

Pancreas – Yes.

Eyes – NO.

Nurse – He could help five people.

R – NO.

Tendai – It’s Mum’s choice.

R – he is my brother, NO Shamu – NO.

Simba -NO.

Mum – it’s a NO then.

N – why don’t we give you 24 hours to think about it R – Okay. (it’s still going to be a no but okay).

I returned to my brother, and I still believed a miracle would take place. His hands were warm, his chest warm, his heart still beating, and his face perfect. How could it be? Rest – God said. Peace overcame me.

And the peace that surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6

A tear hadn’t dropped from my tear ducts. Only powerful declarations and God's word had left my mouth. A tornado of comfort created by my best friend engulfed me and the river I had been guarding inside broke free. I wanted to take my hand and reach into my stomach and start pulling my intestines out until I was inside out. Like a new-born baby, I crawled on the floor searching for a hole to die in. The stench of burning hearts took over the ward.

31/12/22

The elders had accepted the reality and journeyed home to console their hearts. My inner circle covered me as I held his hand for the last time and signed the last of the papers. I walked forwards and backwards staying stagnate. To continue fighting or retreat?

08/02/2023

Arose. Overwhelmed. Breakdown Pending. Prayer. Strength. My Nephews. Superwoman Activated. Four hundred plus people. Church has never reached capacity. Overflow. No seats left. Spoke to the people. No Tears. Graveside. Champagne popped. Eat. Drink. Danced till we dropped. Drink more.  Fall asleep for 24 hours straight.

Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called sons of God. Matthew 5:9

So Leon Mboneli, son of God. Rest in peace, my true love.

Leon resides in paradise now. For him, had he lived it would be for Christ glory, but he gained by dying because he is in perfect union with God. The loss was ours and so is the grief.

To live is Christ and to die is gain. Philippians 1:21